An actual adult actually building her adult life

It's been ten years since I last posted anything in this little corner of the internet. It feels surreal how much my life has changed, and despite my world turning upside down, it is weird how my inner world hasn't changed much in its chaotic ways.

Concrete circumstances summary:

-I married César gatito, my long-term partner, in 2020.

-I never got pregnant. I actually stopped dreaming of being a mother. I never stopped longing for it, but it is something I see further and further from being a part of my life.

-My siblings and I uncovered the extent of the abuser our dad was and eventually reported him to the authorities. He had one unsuccessful suicide attempt, and then, on March 16th, 2022, he committed actual suicide.

-My husband got testicular cancer in 2023 and got unemployed. It was hard, but we made it through his surgery and his rounds of chemo.

-My sister has a very serious drug abuse problem. She even consumed it during our middle niece's birthday and brother's engagement party. This caused problems between my mom and her sisters, and she stopped being the main carer of our grandparents.

-Less than a month after my mom returned to Antofagasta, my grandma died. Now, my aunt Cecy is taking care of my grandpa on her own.

-In August 2024, I separated from and divorced César. I thought this would never happen, but seeing his attitude towards cancer recovery opened my eyes to many things that were not right. I came to the conclusion that he was an excellent boyfriend but not as much an excellent husband. Our finances were a disaster; we never got a car, much less an apartment. He didn't actually care about our health, our hygiene, or our actual human development. He settled for a comfortable but not challenging life at all, and I felt stuck. He agreed with all my arguments when I discussed the separation and never debated. He just accepted the fact and moved on without me, and he even got a job in a different city. It was heartbreaking but eye-opening at the same time. I guess he didn't love me as much as he claimed. I broke my heart by parting ways with him, but it made it even clearer to me: our lives together were leading us nowhere, at least in terms of growth. It was comfortable, too comfortable. Painfully, uselessly comfortable.

-I moved to Santiago in March 2025. I got an excellent job as an administrative assistant in an international company, one of the biggest consulting firms in the world. I am beyond excited about this opportunity, and I even got a room in a small apartment near my job and my friend's apartment.

Woah. Listing all that out makes me realize how everything has been actually a lot. Real life, real adult bullshit. But I am proud I have been able to take the hard path, make the difficult changes, and build the life I want. It is not exactly as I pictured, but I myself am not who I was "supposed to be". I always knew I was different than the rest. My mind goes too fast, and my emotions are too intense. I love with passion, but I move on fast. I am enamored with every mundane little detail of the streets, but I am overly cautious of human connections.

I will elaborate more on my heartache in a different blog entry, as I feel I have not allowed myself to explore the depths of that suffering, and if I don't allow myself to look that pain in the eye, not just escape from it, I will not be able to really move on from it.

I have been struggling with a deep sadness, even though every aspect of my life seems to be going well. It probably has to be with all the sudden and extreme changes, but also the unexplored pain and a lot of trauma responses I have yet to unpack.

Everything is a lot, but a beautiful lot. I am finally grateful for who I am. I am forever grateful and appreciative of my intelligence and my sensitivity. I will become an artist and a helper in every aspect of my life. I want my voice to have an impact. I want my singing to touch more and more hearts. And I want my presence in the corporate world to contribute new perspectives on serving others with efficiency and empathy.